There’s no doubt that the average American man is emotionally constipated — at least about certain things — and this constipation is having an effect on the world in which we live. When men don’t know how to properly understand, process, and express their emotions, whether good or bad, happy, sad, or other, they look for substitute outlets. The outlets they find are rather unproductive — drugs, pornography, alcohol, women, sex, violence, and the like — and when indulged in long enough, not only do they become generational struggles that will be passed on to their sons, but they become reckless and destructive for the present generation. Until men open their eyes and realize that their inability to properly navigate their emotional waters has an effect on everyone around them, they will not find the needed motivation to change a thing.
Really, men are only emotionally constipated when it comes to things like fear, failure, sorrow, regret, disappoint, and sadness — things we deem make us “less of a man” when expressed. But can men show some excitement and passion over a football or basketball game? You had better believe it! The problem lies in the erroneous belief that men cannot be found to be weak — ever. We assume that a man must always maintain a “manly” stance and stoic outlook on life that says, “no matter what happens, you cannot break me,” when in fact, that same mentality is exactly what does break men in this country.
When I look at the strongest, most Godly role models in my life, they are all very in touch with their emotions and feel liberated in expressing them. Come to think of it, I believe I’ve even seen the majority of them cry. You think crying makes a man weak? You’ve got it twisted — ask any woman and they’ll confirm that a man who knows how to handle his emotions is immeasurably stronger than one who is emotionally constipated.
There’s an incredible book by a pastor from New York, Peter Scazzero <http://www.emotionallyhealthy.org/about/bio_pete.asp>, that I recommend everyone, but especially men, read. It’s entitled, “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality.” <http://www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Healthy-Spirituality-Unleash-Christ/dp/1591454522> Now, that’s a mouth full, but the premise is this — you are only as spiritually mature as you are emotionally healthy. In other words: the more emotionally constipated we are, the less we properly understand, process, and express our emotions, the less spiritually mature we are. I won’t go into the entire book, but I do want to give you the top ten symptoms that you might experience in emotionally unhealthy spirituality:
1. Using God to Run from God
2. Ignoring the Ungodly Emotions of Anger, Sadness, and Fear
3. Dying to the Wrong Things
4. Denying the Past’s Impact on the Present
5. Dividing Our Lives into “Secular” and “Sacred” Compartments
6. Doing for God Instead of Being with God
7. Spiritualizing Away Conflict
8. Covering over Brokenness, Weakness, and Failure
9. Living without Limits
10. Judging Other People’s Spiritual Journey
After reading that list I know you have a few areas you need to work on. And that’s good; it means your human. No one has it all worked out. But what it does mean is that we have to get working on ourselves. If we first want to change the world, we have to look at ourselves and make the change first. Don’t you dare make the excuse that “I didn’t see my father (or any other man) do it, how am I supposed to do it?” By the grace of God, that’s how! Men want to lead and guide and pioneer everything else, you we’re too afraid to cry for the first time? Get over yourself, men. Stop acting like a punk and show that you care about something for once in your life.
Fathers, let me tell you something before I finish: your children need to see you cry. They need to see you get excited, to laugh, to be angry. They need to see your emotions. It helps to humanize you and makes you more relatable. Your children, especially your boys, need to know that you go through the same emotions you do, but they need to see you handle them effectively. When you lash out at your kids or your wife, the children view that as acceptable. Why? Because they don’t know any better so they believe that the wrong way is actually right — or at least the acceptable — way to handle things. The good news is, you can also show them the right, and healthy way to handle emotions.
I had a phenomenal advantage in this area because of my father; I saw him deal with all of his emotions. I saw him cry, get mad (sometimes too much, and thus I had anger problems as well), laugh, get excited; you name it, I saw my dad experience. Seeing my father openly express his emotions helped me to feel safe when I had those same emotions. Isn’t that what we all desire our homes to be — A safe place where our children can feel comfortable and open to be themselves?
Let’s make a concerted effort, as men, to encourage one another to learn to understand, process, and express our emotions in a healthy way. Whether it’s love, anger, excitement, sadness, or whatever, God created emotions for a reason — but we were made to rule our emotions, not the other way around. So men, step up and be the emotionally healthy man that God has called you to be!
[For more from Stuart McDonald, check out his personal blog <http://stuartmcdonald.wordpress.com/> and follow him on Twitter<http://www.twitter.com/StuMcDnld>]
[Note: You can read more about the top ten symptoms in this PDF from the Emotionally Healthy Website <http://www.emotionallyhealthy.org/about/pdfs/The_Ten_Top_Symptoms_of_Emotionally_Unhealthy_Spirituality.pdf>]
