my dreams
bleed
menstruation
no period
no period of time
space defeat
conjecture
could detour
me stop me
i believe
in these things
that seem
un
unbelievable
unrealistic
unimaginable
un me
undo the curse

i can hear
mayas caged
birds
can see
langstons
dream no longer
deferred
and can
hear robisons
voice
echoing in
my heart

transform
the song
in my head
optimist
im prime to
take over
a make over
you have
not won
only pushed
me off the
ledge the edge
the bridge
named fear
bleak it stood
weak i lay
at its mercy
rehearsing
excuses
perpetrating
abusive
religious
shadows
stood over me
freedom rang
freedom rang

i can hear
mayas caged
birds
can see
langstons
dream no longer
deferred
and can
hear robisons
voice
echoing in
my heart

i know its
time
its love
its time
to leave
to part
to give the
world my gift
to sing
to dream
to speak
to loose
the venom
this decision
unshakable
rhythm
insatiable
my giving
thank you
for leaving
for now
now
this time
i am living…

i can hear
mayas caged
birds
can see
langstons
dream no longer
deferred
and can
hear robisons
voice
echoing in
my heart

I’m so much
Larger than this
XXXXXX
XXXXXL
Exhale
Driven a
Hundred miles
Past hungry
I’m swollen
Bitter
Bowlin over
Any naysayer
Dream slayer
Including
Inner me
My worst
Enemy
I’m alive again…

i can hear
mayas caged
birds
can see
langstons
dream no longer
deferred
and can
hear robisons
voice
echoing in
my heart
*singing*
(i can see clearly now the pain is gone…)

For me, well it means that if it were not for an encounter with Christ I would STILL be lost, STILL on my way to plundering my future, STILL stuck in sin, STILL living for me & not Him & STILL alone.

“I’ve never seen the righteous forsaken..”, writes King David. Jesus prayed that you & I would be one with Him as He was one with THE Father. How much more could we ask for. What else should we pray for. Will you allow THIS prayer to go unanswered? We do everyday, that we do not sit, listen & bask in His presence!

Apart from God, I am NOTHING! No, not just lip service, not just guilt speaking through the lens of redemption, but I am NOTHING without Him! In other words, I encourage YOU to spend quality time IN HIS PRESENCE!!

Before I go too far into this post let me say that I in no way shape form or fashion have “mastered” the art of love (my wife would vouch for this), but I know HE who has & is the very same love we all seek, we all need & the we all at some point attempt to unpack in our lives. We will get to that soon enough!

It was just amazing to search through twitter and see what others thought love was or is. Some were funny, most were honest & some were even scary. Scary because it seemed to revolve solely around them.

One thing I know for certain is that love is SELFLESS!! it has to be or it isn’t love! It becomes perverted, twisted & manipulative if & when the motives of love are selfish or seek to serve self! I speak with authority because I have been here, I have dine this very thing & I have hurt those who love my most!

#itslove when you know that person may never change for you, but you accept(with your own set limits) them as they are & support growth in thier life. #itslove when you know tomorrow might not come so today, no matter the beef has to be special. #itslove when you give & give & give & give & never expect anything in return!

#itslove when you lay down your life. #itslove when you give up your promise or most treasured thing/person to see someone elses life changed. #itslove when you in obedience take the punishment & death sentence for someone else. #itslove when you sit & wait with arms wide open for thier return no matter how many times they say no or ignore your calls, warnings, advice or love. #itslove when no matter how low you’ve sunk or how bad you’ve become or how filthy your life is or how jacked up you are you are still accepted, valued & treasured.

Do you know love? Do you know the selfless love described in the paragraph above?

There is only one love people. We all want it, live for it, need it, do really STUPID & heart wrenching stuff to try and get, yet the whole time He’s been THERE, right where you are, right where you need Him to be…

This post ended up in a place I originally had no intention of going… I just followed!

I love you, but more importantly He(Jesus-so noone is confused) loves you!!!

THERE, I SAID IT!!!

BUT, I’m getting better. I have to. It’s no longer about ME, or about how I used to be or how I used to deal with issues. I now, have a wife, who for only reasons God will know, loves me beyond judgement, who loves me in spite of & not because of. I have 3 sons who are looking to me to be BE a man & not just talk about being a man or what men do. They are looking to me to learn how to express themselves, deal & maintain a healthy emotional life.

So, I can’t & won’t suck any longer. I no longer have to fear being judged or looked at as less than a man.

I CAN FEEL AND KNOW THAT ITS OK!!!

I can and you can too! You should!

Men, anger, rage & frustration are not the end of your emotional map. It doesn’t stop there! You get lonely, you know what depression is, you know heartache, you know saddness & desperation, I know you do! Stop hiding! Stop hurting the women in your life because you won’t stop & heal! STOP!!!

I will not suck another day! I will no longer be emotionally retarded! I will no longer hide behind “strength” & manhood!

Pastors, I’m begging YOU, to free up the men in your church, by teaching them & showing them that it’s ok! Let them know that it doesn’t make you a PUNK to feel!

Ladies, free up the men in your life NOW! Don’t judge them or think less of them because they FEEL! You may discover a new layer to your relationship! Encourage them!!

Why must a man be strong all the time? What does strength look like? Do we confuse “macho” with manhood?

I know growing up I was told “men don’t cry, suck it up”, I’m sure you’ve heard this before. My question is, if men don’t cry, then what do they do? I never got an answer! But, I can tell you what I saw in my community. I saw men drinking, I saw men abusing thier spouse, I saw men angry for no reason, I saw men “take it to the streets”. Is that the subsititute for dealing with ones emotional state? Does this work?

Again, I’m not saying to be a wimp & allow every leaf that blows to arrest you emotionally & render you useless, but I’m saying that there has to be a release valve where you can legally & without hurting yourself or anyone release emotionally!

Ladies, I know you don’t want a softy, I know you want a manly man, a protector, the strength of the home, but let me ask you this… CAN YOUR MAN COME TO YOU AND SHARE HIS HEART, HIS FEARS, HIS HURT & PAIN WITHOUT FEAR OF YOU THINKING HIM LESS THAN A “MAN”?If he can, does he know that he can?

Look around you, do you produce a cooperative environment for your man, your husband, your sons to share without fear of redicule? Do you foster an environment for a healthy emotional life of those men in your life that you love? Fathers, husbands do you?

I am sorry first of all for not providing updates more regularly, but I wanted to take this time to update you on my family, peculiarplace and all that God is doing and how you can be praying with us.

The last two and half months have been a major adjustment. A good one at times, and well a difficult one at others. The boys are back and in school. Enjoying, so that is something to get up and do a praise dance for…lol Esther and I are in an amazing place as far as our relationship is concerned. Still growing, but enjoying the time and growth as opposed to fighting it. Did I mention my little man, Zion, is now 9 months old!!! Whew! He will be 1 in less than 3 months, where does time go?

At this point, she (Esther) is a full time mom, and I have found myself being a pastor, freelance graphic designer and a potential business owner. With that said, things are tight, or are getting tight. We are needing God to show up in a MAJOR way in our sources of finances whether that is support, or a job for me. My desire is to raise enough support, 2500.00, to pay our bills- rent utilities and car insurance, and get a PT job in our community to pay for the rest of our daily lives. I include numbers because I believe in being specific when going to the Father. A PT job would give me the freedom to BE in the community working versus OUT of the community with a job. I believe God has called us to this community and therefore want every stitch of our efforts, work, toil, frustration & joy to come out of this community.

We have an amazing project coming up next month. God has shown us a possible way to touch the lives of 10,000 people with a simple flier. We are going door to door with a flier we are designing that will ask our community “How can we serve YOU?” on one side and on the other will ask how we can help making this a better community. We will then direct them to a website where they can submit their ideas. We will also provide a phone number for those who do not have computers or cant get to a computer. We will take those ideas and create a list of serving opportunities that will run every month until our public launch. We will also be asking for those who share ideas to get involved and help, a way to get some face time and build relationships with people in our community. To top it all off, i must brag on God, we have a possible army of 200-400 college students who will provide 3 hours of their time to help us pass out these fliers next month!

We had a meeting this past weekend where two important things came out of that meeting. One, we will begin sometime next month, all of us, serving at least 10 hours in the Old Fourth Ward community. Whether that is at John Hope Elementary, the school we partner with, or at a homeless shelter, or at a community clean up… this is going to be somewhat STRONGLY encouraged behavior for the peculiarplace launch team and then the church when we go public. Imagine a community where 80% of your church membership spent 10 hours somewhere, someway affecting the lives of others by giving up a small amount of one of the most precious commodities, time. That’s what we are striving for!! Serving Groups!!! We want to BE the church Monday through Saturday, giving us a REAL reason to come together and celebrate on Sunday!!

Also out of that meeting we discussed finding a person or couple to begin mentoring/discipling. We are all praying right now for God to openly make plain and share with us who in our lives or what “perfect” stranger He would have us invest in!! God is going to do something BIG here I know He is. Again, this is something we are starting today, that will continue long after we launch.

How can you pray for us & peculiarplace:

1.)Finances, we all could use more right now, but this is a prerequisite to us being able to live in the community God has called us to serve. Pray that He open doors for support, that He opens doors to freelance design gigs, pray that He multiply seed sown!

2.) A successful flier, “survey project” next month. We possibly have the man power, but we need funds to purchase fliers(270.00), tshirts 500, water for army of volunteers, & snacks(150.00). Pray that God through this simple flier awaken His sleeping spirit in this community. Pray that lives will be invested in, hearts will be changed, minds renewed, hope restored & that peculiarplace will be in the position to Shepard those who heed the call to be a part of what God is doing in O4W. Pray that the lives of those college students will never be the same after this project!

3.) Pray that our volunteer hours spent in this community are not in vain. Pray that Lives our touched, relationships are built, God is Glorified in our efforts to serve this community through a number of venues. Pray that doors are opened to new and innovative ideas in which we can serve this community in the future. Pray for our safety as we venture into realms outside of our safety zone in our volunteering efforts.

4.) Pray that Esther and I will come up with the finances to make two very important trips next month. One is to Houston, TX for an assessment. The other is to Tenn. for an amazing opportunity to be in the presence of people who can teach us and build relationships that may lead to partnership.

5.) Continue to pray that our marriage, our ability to parent, our ability to be sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, as well as friends continues to look like the image God has created these relationships to look like. We must first be an example of His Grace, Mercy & Redemptive Power before we can ever honestly share Him. The evidence MUST BE evident in our lives!!!!

Thank you and let me know how we can pray for you, because I BELIEVE HE IS A GOD WHO ALWAYS, and I MEAN ALWAYS, ANSWERS PRAYERS!

Love you!

Folks, I will be honest with you, we spend way too much time talking about change, what we would do and not do, how we would fix this or that if given a chance, yada yada yada, but here is someone who has search his heart and believes God has given his a chance to become more fit/healthy and to BE the change. It doesnt get any better than this!!

So with that said, I need you to go to THISMUSTCHANGE right now, yes now, click the freaking link, and donate a $1, $2, heck give more, & then SPREAD THE WORD!!! Please, of course…

But if im not compelling enough or you dont believe me, his words follow mine below… check it out!

THISMUSTCHANGE! is a challenge to see how many people will donate $1 for each pound I lose in the 3 months for 6 life-giving causes.

My goal is to lose 40-50 pounds during the next 3 months through regular exercise (cardio and weights) and a healthy eating plan. I’ll be sharing more about the specific workout/nutrition plans as time goes on.  It begins on Monday, August 17, 2009 and the final weigh-in will be Monday, November 16, 2009.  All donations are done directly through the websites of the organizations and no money go through my hands.

I’m asking folks to do 2 simple things:

1) Commit to give a buck a pound to one of these great causes during the next 3 months. (Can be donated weekly or all at the very end)
2) Spread the word and let others know how they can be a part of this.

I will chronicle the journey on THISMUSTCHANGE.org and share more about these amazing causes.  I will also have weekly weigh in’s and will be as honest as I can about the up-beats and beat-downs that are bound to come when trying to get back in shape.

My hope and prayer is get get hundreds, if not thousands, of people to join me in this.  But I need your help to spread the word.

Can you imagine the impact if loads of people donated a buck a pound?

Let’s say I lose 40 pounds.

100 people x 40 lbs = $4,000

500 people x 40 lbs = $20,000

1,000 people x 40 lbs = $40,000

2500 x 40 lbs = $100,000

You get the idea.

That’s less hungry people. More clean water and less disease. Shelter and care for battered women. More feet without blisters, sores, and infections. More doctors without borders. Less children sold into the sex slave industry. These are serious issues and I seriously need to help.

HE ROSE WITH ALL POWER IN HIS HAND! HE DEFEATED DEATH, HELL AND THE GRAVE IN ONE FAIL SWOOP! HE TOOK ON ALL SIN, ALL SIN IN CASE YOU DIDNT READ THAT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME, SO THAT YOU AND I COULD PARTAKE IN THE GIFT OF EVERLASTING LIFE AND BE COUNTED AS COHEIRS TO THE THRONE WITH HIM. HE LOOKED SICKNESS DISEASE IN THE EYE AND HEALED THOSE WHO BELIEVED. HE GAVE US A COMMANDMENT TO LOVE HIS FATHER WITH ALL OUR HEARTS, SOUL AND MIND AND TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER, AND THESE TWO COMMANDMENTS ARE THE ROD THAT THE CURTAIN OF “THE LAW” HANG ON!!!!

So why in the hell do we sing songs of “praise” and songs of “worship” like he is our boyfriend? Or He is this hippie who is hanging out on the campus of Berkeley smoking weed and throwing up the peace sign to any and everyone, where free love reigns? Why do “WE” the church allow this REVOLUTIONARY LORD to be seen as a FREAKING PANSIE?

What man do you know who wants their LORD, their MASTER, their COMMANDER IN CHIEF, their COACH, their MOST TRUSTED FRIEND, their DEFENDER, their SHIELD, their REFUGE, their VICTORIOUS PROVIDER and KING to be a frail, soft PUNK?

CHURCH, MAN UP!!! GRAB YOUR SACK and GROW A PAIR!!!

HE WAS NOT A PUNK, HE WAS A MAN! He is love, He is a great listener, He is compassionate, He is a friend, He is truth, He is victory, I could go on forever, but one thing He is not or ever was is a PUNK. And we wonder why MEN dont want anything to do with Him? COME ON!!!!

Look, He never wore a haltertop, a dress or frilly flowers in His hair… so can we PLEASE paint a true picture of VICTORY and the ALL POWERFUL MAN WHO SITS ON THE RIGHT HAND OF THE FATHER!

CAN WE, PLEASE?

i wont lose
cant lose
failure sits
next to me in
the back seat
while victory,
he’s the driver…

out of his overflow
i flow
how deep is
your cup
selah
love
not lust
i trust in him
who gives us
even when not lookin
the taken
and tookin
wind up empty handed
be more candid?

i wont lose
cant lose
failure sits
next to me in
the back seat
while victory,
he’s the driver…

i wont lose
cant lose
failure sits
next to me in
the back seat
while victory,
he’s the driver…

cuz when he comes
back no room for
lacs, raps or dream bandits
imposters at best
his light for my
my life
his life for my
my life
new levels
victories shovel
covering losses
brand new
im through
with lack
in fact its
abundance
how’s that for living green

i wont lose
cant lose
failure sits
next to me in
the back seat
while victory,
he’s the driver…

i wont lose
cant lose
failure sits
next to me in
the back seat
while victory,
he’s the driver…

for runnin numbers
for once
stop counting and
start counting
his love for me
his blood
“clean sheets”
brand new
in truth in light
knowing the way
no more fight
no mo flights
feet hurt
however beautiful
cause i preach
i teach
more than
accomplished
conqueror

i wont lose
cant lose
failure sits
next to me in
the back seat
while victory,
he’s the driver…

i wont lose
cant lose
failure sits
next to me in
the back seat
while victory,
he’s the driver…

I DARE YOU TO LOOK BEYOND YOUR RIGHT NOW, YOUR CURRENT CIRCUMSTANCE OR SITUATION

I DARE YOU TO LOOK INTO THE EYES OF YOUR CHILDREN AND EXPLAIN WHY YOU CANT

I DARE YOU TO GROW

I DARE YOU TO GIVE LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER GIVEN BEFORE

I DARE YOU TO LOVE LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER LOVED BEFORE

I DARE YOU TO COME OUT FROM UNDER THE SELFISH ROCK YOU LIVE AND LIVE FOR SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOURSELF…

with this dare in mind… i am simply challenging you to visit one site before you move from the computer to the couch, or turn your laptop off and move one to something else, i want you to visit onevanonevillage.org.

Watch the video, read the story, introduce yourself to Laurie Kroll, and last but not least…

GIVE!!!