my dreams
bleed
menstruation
no period
no period of time
space defeat
conjecture
could detour
me stop me
i believe
in these things
that seem
un
unbelievable
unrealistic
unimaginable
un me
undo the curse

i can hear
mayas caged
birds
can see
langstons
dream no longer
deferred
and can
hear robisons
voice
echoing in
my heart

transform
the song
in my head
optimist
im prime to
take over
a make over
you have
not won
only pushed
me off the
ledge the edge
the bridge
named fear
bleak it stood
weak i lay
at its mercy
rehearsing
excuses
perpetrating
abusive
religious
shadows
stood over me
freedom rang
freedom rang

i can hear
mayas caged
birds
can see
langstons
dream no longer
deferred
and can
hear robisons
voice
echoing in
my heart

i know its
time
its love
its time
to leave
to part
to give the
world my gift
to sing
to dream
to speak
to loose
the venom
this decision
unshakable
rhythm
insatiable
my giving
thank you
for leaving
for now
now
this time
i am living…

i can hear
mayas caged
birds
can see
langstons
dream no longer
deferred
and can
hear robisons
voice
echoing in
my heart

I’m so much
Larger than this
XXXXXX
XXXXXL
Exhale
Driven a
Hundred miles
Past hungry
I’m swollen
Bitter
Bowlin over
Any naysayer
Dream slayer
Including
Inner me
My worst
Enemy
I’m alive again…

i can hear
mayas caged
birds
can see
langstons
dream no longer
deferred
and can
hear robisons
voice
echoing in
my heart
*singing*
(i can see clearly now the pain is gone…)

Seriously, what are you waiting for? How many signs, how much “confirmation” do you need, how will you prove Him & His Word if you never ever get in the boat.

A carpenter tells a professional fishermen how, when & where to fish. The professional has just come from the lake & caught NOTHING! I mean he could catch a cold in the waters that this “carpenter” tell him to go back into & “cast His net”! The PRO, decides to listen, he is OBEDIENT, he DOES & GOES just where he is told to go.
And low and behold his nets cannot handle the weight of the “catch”!!! He is overwhelmed with the ABUNDANCE of his “catch”….

Great story right!

Now take a moment & think about “where” this same Carpenter, Jesus, has told you to cast your net. Did you? Or did you say that it’s too hard? I don’t have the right equipment, I’m not ready, I’m a PROFESSIONAL & there are NO “fish” in that lake. I’ve fished here a thousand times & have not even gotten a nibble! This lake(city) is not like the lake(suburbs) you fish in, your bait won’t work here.

Whether the Carpenter has commanded you to “fish” at your job, on your block, at your church or to start a new church get in the freakin boat and fish!!!!

He said I WILL MAKE YOU fishers of MEN! PERIOD! It’s His responsibility to MAKE you & I fishers, but it’s OUR responsibility to OBEY! No excuse is worthy of even being breathed in the context of HIS COMMAND!

So, now what are you waiting for? Oh wait let me guess, you don’t have a boat? Right! If that EXCUSE works for you, then cool. But for me & my house… We will obey!!!

Before I go too far into this post let me say that I in no way shape form or fashion have “mastered” the art of love (my wife would vouch for this), but I know HE who has & is the very same love we all seek, we all need & the we all at some point attempt to unpack in our lives. We will get to that soon enough!

It was just amazing to search through twitter and see what others thought love was or is. Some were funny, most were honest & some were even scary. Scary because it seemed to revolve solely around them.

One thing I know for certain is that love is SELFLESS!! it has to be or it isn’t love! It becomes perverted, twisted & manipulative if & when the motives of love are selfish or seek to serve self! I speak with authority because I have been here, I have dine this very thing & I have hurt those who love my most!

#itslove when you know that person may never change for you, but you accept(with your own set limits) them as they are & support growth in thier life. #itslove when you know tomorrow might not come so today, no matter the beef has to be special. #itslove when you give & give & give & give & never expect anything in return!

#itslove when you lay down your life. #itslove when you give up your promise or most treasured thing/person to see someone elses life changed. #itslove when you in obedience take the punishment & death sentence for someone else. #itslove when you sit & wait with arms wide open for thier return no matter how many times they say no or ignore your calls, warnings, advice or love. #itslove when no matter how low you’ve sunk or how bad you’ve become or how filthy your life is or how jacked up you are you are still accepted, valued & treasured.

Do you know love? Do you know the selfless love described in the paragraph above?

There is only one love people. We all want it, live for it, need it, do really STUPID & heart wrenching stuff to try and get, yet the whole time He’s been THERE, right where you are, right where you need Him to be…

This post ended up in a place I originally had no intention of going… I just followed!

I love you, but more importantly He(Jesus-so noone is confused) loves you!!!

THERE, I SAID IT!!!

BUT, I’m getting better. I have to. It’s no longer about ME, or about how I used to be or how I used to deal with issues. I now, have a wife, who for only reasons God will know, loves me beyond judgement, who loves me in spite of & not because of. I have 3 sons who are looking to me to be BE a man & not just talk about being a man or what men do. They are looking to me to learn how to express themselves, deal & maintain a healthy emotional life.

So, I can’t & won’t suck any longer. I no longer have to fear being judged or looked at as less than a man.

I CAN FEEL AND KNOW THAT ITS OK!!!

I can and you can too! You should!

Men, anger, rage & frustration are not the end of your emotional map. It doesn’t stop there! You get lonely, you know what depression is, you know heartache, you know saddness & desperation, I know you do! Stop hiding! Stop hurting the women in your life because you won’t stop & heal! STOP!!!

I will not suck another day! I will no longer be emotionally retarded! I will no longer hide behind “strength” & manhood!

Pastors, I’m begging YOU, to free up the men in your church, by teaching them & showing them that it’s ok! Let them know that it doesn’t make you a PUNK to feel!

Ladies, free up the men in your life NOW! Don’t judge them or think less of them because they FEEL! You may discover a new layer to your relationship! Encourage them!!

Why must a man be strong all the time? What does strength look like? Do we confuse “macho” with manhood?

I know growing up I was told “men don’t cry, suck it up”, I’m sure you’ve heard this before. My question is, if men don’t cry, then what do they do? I never got an answer! But, I can tell you what I saw in my community. I saw men drinking, I saw men abusing thier spouse, I saw men angry for no reason, I saw men “take it to the streets”. Is that the subsititute for dealing with ones emotional state? Does this work?

Again, I’m not saying to be a wimp & allow every leaf that blows to arrest you emotionally & render you useless, but I’m saying that there has to be a release valve where you can legally & without hurting yourself or anyone release emotionally!

Ladies, I know you don’t want a softy, I know you want a manly man, a protector, the strength of the home, but let me ask you this… CAN YOUR MAN COME TO YOU AND SHARE HIS HEART, HIS FEARS, HIS HURT & PAIN WITHOUT FEAR OF YOU THINKING HIM LESS THAN A “MAN”?If he can, does he know that he can?

Look around you, do you produce a cooperative environment for your man, your husband, your sons to share without fear of redicule? Do you foster an environment for a healthy emotional life of those men in your life that you love? Fathers, husbands do you?

I sit at the edge of my bed wondering, had those boys, at least one of them, in Chicago, would have been able to express himself, to cry, to be angry without violence to say it hurts inside and i dont know how to fix, to scream from the top of his lungs that i just want to fit in…. maybe little Derrion would still be alive today. Just a thought. Mind you i just watched this video and am in tears…

I believe pastors across this country MUST and SHOULD be dealing with the emotional illiterate men in their churches. I believe its an issue that men with sons ought to be sharing with their boys and their daughters. I believe women must stop putting up with men who are emotionally constipated and strongly suggest they get help, my wife did!

There is no soap box involved here. I am learning to share, to heal in public, to be broken in the midst of my family. I am learning that my boys NEED TO and MUST see me deal with my emotions in a healthy manner so that they too will know how to respond to all of the difficulties that await them. For most of my life, i wondered about me. I wondered if i was ok. If i was normal because I seem to express, mostly in written form, the things I was feeling that weren’t, “man-like”. Meaning, that I recognized that there was more to my emotional calendar than rage, anger, or frustration. That sadness, that joy, that fear, that loss, that gain, that vulnerability were all emotions that i either experienced or were afraid of experiencing. NO ONE said to be, its ok to cry. Now i’m not advocating crying for the hell of it, or being manipulative, or just being a push over, but i am speaking to the hearts of men everywhere who have been told that “women are emotional”. To those people who spread such empty rhetoric, i ask, then what the heck are men? Do you not “feel”? Do you not “long”? Do you not know what it is to be empty?

How do you deal with your emotions? Do you even recognize that you “have them”? Do you hide in your “cave”? Ever wonder why something so amazingly small sets you off? Do you conceal, hide, put away, grow numb until one day you explode?

IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT YOUR SONS OR DAUGHTERS TO EXPERIENCE?

FAMILY WE’VE JUST BEGUN THIS DISCUSSION… PLEASE COMMENT, ASK QUESTIONS, LEAVE YOUR THOUGHTS SO WE CAN CREATE A DIALOGUE!!

LOVE YOU!

MEN, we are both emotionally retarded & constipated! Yes, I said it & I mean it! Ok, maybe not you, because you have it ALL together, but the rest of us are!!

Do you cry? Do you feel like you can never be “weak” in front of the people you love? Do you dodge going home because you can’t take it? Do you find solace in a bottle or puffing on something? Do you have anger issues?Do you feel like the walls are closing in on you, yet you don’t say anything because you are afraid of what others might think or say?

I could go on with questions & examples for hours, but here is one of the most important… ARE YOU AFRAID OF BEING VULNERABLE? Even with your wife or your children?

I hope in my posts this week to share, be transparent with you. I hope that in doing this, someone may find freedom in going home & releasing the weight of being emotionally constipated! I’m hoping this series is the laxative you needed to BE FREE!

Being a MAN does not require you to be emotionally inadequate!! The boys, young men, the daughters, wives, women in your life NEED YOU!!

I am so pleased at how God is opening doors into this community. I mean seriously, i have met some amazing historians and neighbors that have welcomed us, even knowing why we moved there, to the community. I am sure there will be resistance, but I have to keep in mind that it is not resistance to me or my family, but to the Will of God. That simply means that it is for Him to fight this fight, not us!!

I look forward to keeping you updated, entertained, informed and sharing our story that God is so graciously writing for us.

Thank you for your prayers, love & most importantly patience!!

I will be updating our prayer list here very soon so please be on the look out for that!!

Listen, let us be honest with ourselves, we are losing a battle that is bigger than anything we have ever fought. Look around you right now, where you live, work and play. Someone you know and love, a stranger at the coffee shop, a co-worker who cries themselves to sleep every night is hurting, dying on the inside and ultimately is going to spend eternity in HELL because of you, me, we wont… we just wont do enough about it!

This is not a “church” bashing post, but this is a cry, a plea, an urgent message that i believe we all need to hear. If you are offended, good. If you think I have no room to talk, then stop thinking and do something. I don’t care! We are sitting by arguing with each other while we tell our friends, family and others to: GO TO HELL!!, by not BEING the CHURCH!!!

MY HEART BLEEDS…

my heart concerning the Kingdom of God. These are the things I believe He has sent me to teach a group of people that He has set aside for a peculiarplace. That’s what I believe and nothing can change that. Church growth strategies, marketing, and all the other “church planter” stuff is great, and honestly a must have to some degree, but if we believe God IS, and not was, if we believe in the depths of our heart that He is ALL powerful and has created us in His image, if we believe that like Abraham, Paul and others that He has created a place for us, if we believe that He is the one who moves on the hearts of people as He did Pharaoh, then what is the fuss about? What are we debating theology, doctrine and church “styles” for? I mean really! People are dying and going to Hell, not because we don’t have the latest and greatest, but because we are SILENT! Because our lifestyles don’t match our perfectly coordinated/programmed services, because our words are not the Father’s Words, because our prayers are so self-centered, because we don’t GIVE without looking to receive, because we don’t die daily to sin, because we make excuses about sharing the greatest gift ever given, because we stop falling on our faces to confess and repent, because we choose a “private” savior over a PUBLIC LORD, because we hide behind past hurts and pains and assume vulnerability is from hell, because we have tolerated and not LOVED… I could go on forever and I am just as guilty as anyone else as being caught up in these issues! I am NOT PERFECT, nor do I LIVE the PERFECT life and I will never pretend to be! What I know is that the way we LIVE, LOVE & GIVE can and WILL change the world, or at least the parts of the world assigned to us .

I am simply looking for people who agree to come along side of peculiarplace and get their freaking hands dirty!! Looking for people of all races, backgrounds, experiences and cultures to DO SOMETHING instead of all this FREAKING TALKING! LETS BE THE CHANGE!!

Interested?

GIVING BIG… GIVING BACK… GIVING BEYOND OURSELVES!

What are you waiting on? Why do you assume that hoarding  and heaping material, physical, mental, emotional and even spiritual benefits, blessing in a safety deposit box, saving account or your heart are whats going to satisfy you in the long run? People are hurting, dying, and losing everything right around us and yet we do nothing. OK, well we do Christmas, Thanksgiving and if they are lucky we do Easter. We go out and “give” to the “needy”. I am generalizing, and understand there are those who actually get it and GIVERS are who they are and GIVING is what they do!

peculiarplace, GIVING is a MUST! It is not some line in the Bylaws or some slogan that sounds great on marketing material, but it is who WE are! He is and has required it of us, so make no mistake, it is a principle that will be a building block for our celebration/gatherings as well as our daily lives. Give what? Give of your time, we have adopted John Hope Elementary School and will continue to pursue that relationship with a ferocious fervor. Give of your monies, we blessed Old Fourth Ward last Christmas by randomly giving away 2000.00 worth of Visa gift cards to the community. Give of yourself, your dreams, ambitions, love, heart, strengths, business, network, and and and… the list goes on forever JUST BE PREPARED TO GIVE AND GIVE BIG at peculiarplace.

Imagine a community in the heart of the city, who was not only proud of the community itself and its history, but proud of each and every individual in that community who COMMITED to play a part in making Him famous, bringing the community together, the schools better, the neighborhoods safer and bringing a nonnegotiable peace to the  life of its residents!!!

That is peculiarplace….