my dreams
bleed
menstruation
no period
no period of time
space defeat
conjecture
could detour
me stop me
i believe
in these things
that seem
un
unbelievable
unrealistic
unimaginable
un me
undo the curse

i can hear
mayas caged
birds
can see
langstons
dream no longer
deferred
and can
hear robisons
voice
echoing in
my heart

transform
the song
in my head
optimist
im prime to
take over
a make over
you have
not won
only pushed
me off the
ledge the edge
the bridge
named fear
bleak it stood
weak i lay
at its mercy
rehearsing
excuses
perpetrating
abusive
religious
shadows
stood over me
freedom rang
freedom rang

i can hear
mayas caged
birds
can see
langstons
dream no longer
deferred
and can
hear robisons
voice
echoing in
my heart

i know its
time
its love
its time
to leave
to part
to give the
world my gift
to sing
to dream
to speak
to loose
the venom
this decision
unshakable
rhythm
insatiable
my giving
thank you
for leaving
for now
now
this time
i am living…

i can hear
mayas caged
birds
can see
langstons
dream no longer
deferred
and can
hear robisons
voice
echoing in
my heart

I’m so much
Larger than this
XXXXXX
XXXXXL
Exhale
Driven a
Hundred miles
Past hungry
I’m swollen
Bitter
Bowlin over
Any naysayer
Dream slayer
Including
Inner me
My worst
Enemy
I’m alive again…

i can hear
mayas caged
birds
can see
langstons
dream no longer
deferred
and can
hear robisons
voice
echoing in
my heart
*singing*
(i can see clearly now the pain is gone…)

Before I go too far into this post let me say that I in no way shape form or fashion have “mastered” the art of love (my wife would vouch for this), but I know HE who has & is the very same love we all seek, we all need & the we all at some point attempt to unpack in our lives. We will get to that soon enough!

It was just amazing to search through twitter and see what others thought love was or is. Some were funny, most were honest & some were even scary. Scary because it seemed to revolve solely around them.

One thing I know for certain is that love is SELFLESS!! it has to be or it isn’t love! It becomes perverted, twisted & manipulative if & when the motives of love are selfish or seek to serve self! I speak with authority because I have been here, I have dine this very thing & I have hurt those who love my most!

#itslove when you know that person may never change for you, but you accept(with your own set limits) them as they are & support growth in thier life. #itslove when you know tomorrow might not come so today, no matter the beef has to be special. #itslove when you give & give & give & give & never expect anything in return!

#itslove when you lay down your life. #itslove when you give up your promise or most treasured thing/person to see someone elses life changed. #itslove when you in obedience take the punishment & death sentence for someone else. #itslove when you sit & wait with arms wide open for thier return no matter how many times they say no or ignore your calls, warnings, advice or love. #itslove when no matter how low you’ve sunk or how bad you’ve become or how filthy your life is or how jacked up you are you are still accepted, valued & treasured.

Do you know love? Do you know the selfless love described in the paragraph above?

There is only one love people. We all want it, live for it, need it, do really STUPID & heart wrenching stuff to try and get, yet the whole time He’s been THERE, right where you are, right where you need Him to be…

This post ended up in a place I originally had no intention of going… I just followed!

I love you, but more importantly He(Jesus-so noone is confused) loves you!!!

now imagine, you smell like sheep, your tired & you’re called to this posthumous line up. the old guy comes to you and says you are the next King of isreal?

what the heck??

and for several years after this proclimation you are still not king, yet you serve the king.

you defeat a giant and save your country, the people love you, yet you’re still NOT king!!

here’s my point, David, like Jeremiah & many others before & after him, there WAS A PROCESS!!

we cannot, as much as I want to, skip through the process. we cannot select what parts we want to go through and which we don’t.

process hurts, it’s uncomfortable & often it is never as attractive as the vision or finish line, but we MUST endure… we MUST walk through the fire… we MUST learn about ourselves… we MUST not abort the process!!

What?? No, I don’t have some “organ” condition that allows me to physically give birth, but spiritually my womb is with child!!

Have I been here before, yes! I have been pregnant with vision, with dreams, with hope for the city of Atlanta & old fourth ward. But…

I have also suffered miscarraiges & have aborted the very same seed I carry now! I have fallen on my face & repented before God & know that I have been forgiven!

I am expecting!!! And with eager anticipation I KNOW this process of pain, morning sickness, sleepless nights & lack of comfort is a MUST!

The next 10 months, ladies I know you feel me, are going to be filled with amazing revelation, with power, with pain & jubilation!!

Please pray for the birth of these dreams, the vision that God has given me for the city. Please pray for my family as God stretches me & that I will be first the leader & pastor of my family! Please pray that no weapon formed against the seed growing inside of me grow full term!!

I AM EXPECTING!!!

If I had a quarter for everytime I’ve had a doubt, second guessed my ability, or questioned God’s decision about my calling I’d be a millionaire!

I know, some of you might say I’m sharing “too” much, but who really determines that?

And what I’ve discovered is that whether it’s my feelings, insecurities, fear or someone pointing out my shortcomings… I truly am unfit to lead.

I am unfit to lead, without His, Christ’s, grace, favor, love, mercy, direction, forgiveness, strength, arms wrapped around me, blessing, the Holy Spirit, obedience, sacrifice, Blood and on and on and on…

You see, I CANNOT, lead anyone anywhere in and of myself or in my OWN strength. I am but a worthless filthy rag without Him.

Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes I lead, alone. And in that very moment there is non one to blame, lean on, comfort, or even hear me but me! And frankly, I am not enough!!

Lead, your family, your life, your career, your friends-real & virtual, your calling & passion with Him, not on your own.

To lead alone is failure.

Why?

Because of the 14 plus thousand residents that call Historic Old Fourth Ward, O4W, home 80% do NOT attend church regularly, if at all!!

Because 80% comes to over 11,000 people, mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, teachers, CEO’s, friends, neighbors, nurses that would spend an ETERNITY in Hell! If that don’t move you then I’m not sure what will.

Because we are not simply starting a church, but our DESIRE & PRAYER is to build, transform a community with Christ as the HEAD. to be an example for other communities that call Atlanta home.

Because O4W is an extremely diverse community which gives a great chance to create a church/ community that resembles Heaven!

As missionaries it is our responsibility to BE a part of this community, to BE good neighbors, to BE the LIGHT, to BE the church & to BE THE ONLY JESUS THAT OUR NEIGHBORS MAY EVER KNOW! and in order to do that WE NEED YOUR HELP!

Pray about it. Then GO!

Imagine what two less Starbucks fixes a week, one less lunch out a week or drink or two less at the bar or club could do for us, the future of peculiarplace, this community and the Kingdom of God!!

Click the donate button below and become a weekly, monthly partner or simply give a one time donation that would assist us in doing the work of the ministry God is birthing in us!

I thank you and my family thanks you!

Most of us are familiar with the 80/20 rule that applies to a number of generes. In the church world it’s often applied to the 20% of a particular churches membership that is actually the “church” & for a long time I’ve prayed and asked God for more. Asking Him to show us a way to rewrite this prescription for church.

I’m not saying I’ve got the answer for your church, but I believe God has shown me what makes sense for peculiarplace…

Imagine 80% of your core, launch &/or congregation performing a minimum of 10 hours/ month of volunteer services in the community your church is in. Imagine 80 people (80% of 100 people, a foundational goal for us) doing 10 hours… That’s 8000 hours in our schools, parks, nursing homes, tutoring, mentoring, cleaning & repairing. Imagine the IMPACT this could have on a community! Imagine the impact it would have on the persons “BEing” the church!!

Crazy? Maybe? But I believe this is one way to make outreach a daily thing versus a holiday, speacial weekend or time of year thing. This is a way to get those living outside of the community to invest effort, time & money into O4W!!

THERE, I SAID IT!!!

BUT, I’m getting better. I have to. It’s no longer about ME, or about how I used to be or how I used to deal with issues. I now, have a wife, who for only reasons God will know, loves me beyond judgement, who loves me in spite of & not because of. I have 3 sons who are looking to me to be BE a man & not just talk about being a man or what men do. They are looking to me to learn how to express themselves, deal & maintain a healthy emotional life.

So, I can’t & won’t suck any longer. I no longer have to fear being judged or looked at as less than a man.

I CAN FEEL AND KNOW THAT ITS OK!!!

I can and you can too! You should!

Men, anger, rage & frustration are not the end of your emotional map. It doesn’t stop there! You get lonely, you know what depression is, you know heartache, you know saddness & desperation, I know you do! Stop hiding! Stop hurting the women in your life because you won’t stop & heal! STOP!!!

I will not suck another day! I will no longer be emotionally retarded! I will no longer hide behind “strength” & manhood!

Pastors, I’m begging YOU, to free up the men in your church, by teaching them & showing them that it’s ok! Let them know that it doesn’t make you a PUNK to feel!

Ladies, free up the men in your life NOW! Don’t judge them or think less of them because they FEEL! You may discover a new layer to your relationship! Encourage them!!

I sit at the edge of my bed wondering, had those boys, at least one of them, in Chicago, would have been able to express himself, to cry, to be angry without violence to say it hurts inside and i dont know how to fix, to scream from the top of his lungs that i just want to fit in…. maybe little Derrion would still be alive today. Just a thought. Mind you i just watched this video and am in tears…

I believe pastors across this country MUST and SHOULD be dealing with the emotional illiterate men in their churches. I believe its an issue that men with sons ought to be sharing with their boys and their daughters. I believe women must stop putting up with men who are emotionally constipated and strongly suggest they get help, my wife did!

There is no soap box involved here. I am learning to share, to heal in public, to be broken in the midst of my family. I am learning that my boys NEED TO and MUST see me deal with my emotions in a healthy manner so that they too will know how to respond to all of the difficulties that await them. For most of my life, i wondered about me. I wondered if i was ok. If i was normal because I seem to express, mostly in written form, the things I was feeling that weren’t, “man-like”. Meaning, that I recognized that there was more to my emotional calendar than rage, anger, or frustration. That sadness, that joy, that fear, that loss, that gain, that vulnerability were all emotions that i either experienced or were afraid of experiencing. NO ONE said to be, its ok to cry. Now i’m not advocating crying for the hell of it, or being manipulative, or just being a push over, but i am speaking to the hearts of men everywhere who have been told that “women are emotional”. To those people who spread such empty rhetoric, i ask, then what the heck are men? Do you not “feel”? Do you not “long”? Do you not know what it is to be empty?

How do you deal with your emotions? Do you even recognize that you “have them”? Do you hide in your “cave”? Ever wonder why something so amazingly small sets you off? Do you conceal, hide, put away, grow numb until one day you explode?

IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT YOUR SONS OR DAUGHTERS TO EXPERIENCE?

FAMILY WE’VE JUST BEGUN THIS DISCUSSION… PLEASE COMMENT, ASK QUESTIONS, LEAVE YOUR THOUGHTS SO WE CAN CREATE A DIALOGUE!!

LOVE YOU!

MEN, we are both emotionally retarded & constipated! Yes, I said it & I mean it! Ok, maybe not you, because you have it ALL together, but the rest of us are!!

Do you cry? Do you feel like you can never be “weak” in front of the people you love? Do you dodge going home because you can’t take it? Do you find solace in a bottle or puffing on something? Do you have anger issues?Do you feel like the walls are closing in on you, yet you don’t say anything because you are afraid of what others might think or say?

I could go on with questions & examples for hours, but here is one of the most important… ARE YOU AFRAID OF BEING VULNERABLE? Even with your wife or your children?

I hope in my posts this week to share, be transparent with you. I hope that in doing this, someone may find freedom in going home & releasing the weight of being emotionally constipated! I’m hoping this series is the laxative you needed to BE FREE!

Being a MAN does not require you to be emotionally inadequate!! The boys, young men, the daughters, wives, women in your life NEED YOU!!